The basic and most fundamental problem of the spiritual life is the acceptance of our hidden and dark self”
One of the main agendas of the ego is to keep the “hidden and dark self” hidden and dark. The fear of it being brought to light means facing what lies unexamined.
The journey into the Second Half of Life calls us into this darkness. The soul—the true self—is not afraid of it. In fact, it longs to engage it and bring it into the light.
This inner longing for truth, especially when we enter the dark woods of midlife, is what Carl Jung called individuation. In James Hollis’s words, individuation is “a lifelong project of becoming more nearly the whole person we were meant to be.” It is the summons to become who God—or, as Hollis says, “the gods”—had in mind.
Yet many forces shape who we think we should be: parents, society, culture, and especially our wafer-thin ego.
Hollis writes this about the ego:
“Who we think we are is only a limited function of the ego, that thin wafer of consciousness, floating on an iridescent ocean called the soul”.
Individuation is the decision to heed the soul’s call—to become who we truly are. “Our individuation,” says Hollis, “summons each of us to stand in the presence of our own mystery, and become more fully responsible for who we are in this journey we call our life.”
This brings us back to Merton’s claim that the acceptance of our hidden and dark self is the fundamental problem of the spiritual life.
Is individuation merely the recognition of our inner greatness, goodness, or moral achievement? Or does it also require that we lean into our darkness—our deception, our delusions, and, in older language, our sinfulness?
The answer is obvious. Yes.
But these are precisely the places the ego resists.
The Greek meaning of the word sin is to miss the mark—to miss what one is aiming at. Sin is whatever moves us away from who we were created to become. It is a posture not aligned with the soul, but with the ego’s fear-based agenda.
“What individuation more often asks of us,” writes Hollis, “is the surrender of the ego’s agenda of security and emotional reinforcement in favour of humbling service to the soul’s intent.” And he is clear that this is not self-indulgence. It is quite the opposite. “It is the service of the ego to the higher order manifested to us through the Self.”
This journey into the dark woods will take place—whether we wish it or not.
It unfolds amid the chaos and mundaneness of everyday life: while raising children, building a marriage or enduring its collapse, in financial prosperity or ruin, in health or illness, in happiness or deep depression. The summons does not wait for ideal conditions.
“The acceptance of our hidden and dark self,” as Merton writes, is the willingness to enter these woods consciously. Hollis notes that “the summons of the soul to a larger life is to invite your consciousness to a more mindful relationship to your journey.”
When we are ready, and able - normally through suffering - to bring the hidden and dark self to consciousness, we can finally find ways to befriend this truth about ourselves and hear what it has to say to us. Even teach us.
A slow journey towards wholeness and integration.
In learning to acknowledge and accept your hidden and dark self, may the grace and peace of God be your guiding light in these dark woods of life, towards a horizon of deep love and understanding.
James Hollis, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up (New York: Avery, Penguin, 2005).
Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation, rev. ed. (New York: New Directions, 1961)